Well, since I mentioned Beautiful Princess Disorder as a joke on the homepage, I sort of thought it would be good to actually explain what I meant by that and what BPD is.



In the medical community, there are a lot of BPD's and associations. The types I'm referring to is BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. Others can use BPD for Bipolar Disorder (though it is generally referred to as BP).





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According to Harvard, these are the diagnostic symtoms associated with BPD.



unstable, intense, and difficult relationships

poor self-image

self-destructive, impulsive behavior

suicidal threats or attempts

self-mutilation

extreme mood reactions, including intense, inappropriate anger

feeling empty or alone

fear of abandonment

short-lived psychotic-like distortions of perception or belief, especially under stress.



And you know... I do experience many of these, and I used to experience them a lot more when I was younger without a better grasp of therapy and education and self-work. My emotions feel like I am feeling at 200% all the time, and when I am not at that 200% apathy Sam takes the stage. That phenomenom is usually called a split.



There are theories on why BPD exists, outside of genetics, and one of the saddest parts about BPD is that a lot of cases of people who are diagnosed have comorbid PTSD or Complex-PTSD, most events spanning before the age of 18. Neglect is, in my opinion, the driving force of the development of my BPD. BPD can be in remission, though CPTSD and BPD do replicate each other often.



Reminder! People with personality disorders are PEOPLE, not the outcome of all the symptoms they have. These diagnosis definitions can be pretty damning when you get to talking to people due to the stigma around it. People with BPD aren't crazy, they aren't too dramatic or too much. They're people with insight and things to say, that just need to be heard and supported.



To back some of the basis of my claim that BPD was due to negligence, I'm gonna be too honest on the internet. I used to self harm, with razors, lighters, pens, whatever I could get my hands on by the time I was 11. I would be in 6th grade and use a broken pencil to cause a pain stimulus response to keep my emotions (usually frustration) down in math, cut my hands 'by accident' while crafting and a lot of my stretch marks are actually self-harm scars since I tried to hide them after a while.



When I was 12 or 13, I remember my mom staring at me while I was using the restroom, looking past me shortly after she had learned I'd been self-harming and being told "If you could do that to yourself, what could you do to me?" That moment created a split in my personality. Appease her, win her favor, find value in myself again. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and it just sucked. At 25. almost 26, it's still something I work through to not appease over my wants and value.



It's been 9 years since I self-harmed, and I'll be honest. I think about it every few months because I'm stressed. I get paranoid episodes that people are following me or people from my past that haven't made any moves to speak to me that I've avoided the areas they could be could for some God-forsaken reason want to find me again and try to bother me. Over compensating with care to let others know I'm a safe presence to those who are kind back and being such an asshole when my respect and trust is destroyed. It's all part of the package of BPD.